Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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