Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
