im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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