I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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