help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Still dying that you shit outside
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
