I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
