a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
