it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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