I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
