even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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