She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
