i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
