Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
