i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
