i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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