Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
