I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
