At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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