I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
