I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
