He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
