You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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