oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
