Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
