so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
