Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
