just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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