they need to just BURY HIM!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
