just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
