She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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