i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
