she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
