I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
