We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
