Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
