My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
