you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
