she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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