if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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