How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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