you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
