You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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