dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
