I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
