I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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