she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
