Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
