I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
