I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
