it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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