I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
